Friday, 20 January 2017

Annoying Orc

A drunk orc walks into a bar. "Do you have any ketchup?" he asks the barman.

"It's a bar, we serve drinks," the landlord replies.

"Thanks," says the orc. He leaves and returns an hour later.

"Do you have any ketchup?" the orc asks.

"Look, I told you already. This is a bar and we serve drinks," says the landlord getting annoyed.

"Thanks," says the orc and leaves.

You guessed it, the orc is soon back. "Got any ketchup?" he asks.

"It's a bar!" says the landlord. "If you ask for ketchup again I'm going to nail you to the wall."

The orc thinks a moment. "Do you have any nails?"

The landlord shakes his head, "No!"

"Good. Do you have any ketchup?"

Thursday, 12 January 2017

An Orc Taxi Driver

An orc taxi driver is driving a troll to work when the troll taps him on the shoulder.
"What the...!" shouts the orc and swerves violently narrowly missing a dragon crossing the road.
He slams on the brakes and screeches to a halt.

The troll is thrown forward and nearly headbutts the windscreen. "What are you doing?" the troll asks. "I was only going to ask you to stop soon."

The orc looks guilty. "I have only been driving taxis for a day."

"OK," says the troll. "What was your previous job?"

"I drove a hearse," says the orc sheepishly.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

An Orc Scientist

An Orc scientist (yes there are such creatures) was experimenting on a frog.

He told the frog to jump and it jumped 4 feet. Being a clever Orc he realised that because the frog had four feet then it had jumped four feet.

He decided to cut off a leg (he kept it for soup for later of course) and told the frog to jump and this time it jumped three feet. "Clever," thought the Orc, realising that he was on to something.

He cut off another leg and the frog jumped two feet and then he cut off the final leg. He was thinking of winning a No-bull prize with his outstanding work.

"Jump," he commanded, but nothing happened. "Jump!" he insisted but again nothing happened.

He frowned as he wrote in his log-book, "Cutting all the legs off a frog makes it deaf."

Orc Rules on Choosig a Wife

There are 5 Orc rules for finding the perfect wife:

1. Find a wife who can cook
2. Find a wife who can satisfy you on the bedroom
3. Find a wife who can clean
4. Find a wife who can sing you to sleep
5. Final rule -- never let the 4 wives meet. This rule is very important

Thursday, 8 December 2016

An Elf, a Dwarf and a Human Go in to a Bar...

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern,

The Human grins and says "Damn, but I had fun last night. My wife and I made love seven times... When we woke up this morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite

The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds "Well, I only made love
four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new experience.. When we awoke this morning, she said she would surprise me again tonight.."

The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently.
After an uncomfortable amount of time being stared at by the other two, he finally says "Fine, fine.. My wife made love only once last night."

The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks "Pray, tell us what she said to you this morning.."

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says "She said.. Please, Honey, don't stop now..."

Enter the competition below and have a chance of winning a copy of Legacy of the Eldric, Book 1 of the Prophecy of the Kings

Orc Christmas Presents

An orc mother watched her two excited children opening their presents.

Both looked crestfallen. One had a package of broken glass and the other a bag of plasters.

"Now share nicely children," she beamed.

Santa Joke

Sitting on Santa's knee he asked me what I wanted this year.

"I really like Game of Thrones so what I want this year is a dragon." 

Santa looked me in the eye and said, "Dragons are a myth. Don't be ridiculous."

I thought for a moment then said, "OK. Can I have a girlfriend that I can really understand and relate to, please."

Santa frowned, "What colour dragon do you want?"

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Win a Book -- Fantasy Jokes Competition

Post a fantasy joke, via the comment box in this blog, and I'll give away a copy of Legacy of the Eldric to the best joke (in my opinion) received before the 17th December 2016.

Jokes are easy to make up. Simply replace Troll for Elephant in an Elephant joke, as an example.

This is just for fun and I think some of the jokes already published have hopefully raised a smile.

So get cracking and you could win a copy of Legacy of the Eldric in time for Christmas. Postage allowing of course.

Sample chapters and reviews for Legacy of the Eldric and my other books are available on my website

Saturday, 27 August 2016

A troll bumps into a cross-eyed orc and the orc shouts, "look where you are going."

The troll shouts angrily back, "And you need to go where you are looking."


Thursday, 17 December 2015

Orc Children Growing Up: Little Darlings

Two orc children ages 4 and 6 decide it's time to grow up.
   "We should start swearing now, we are old enough," says the 6 year old.
   "OK, bruv," replies the smaller orc.
   At breakfast mummy orc says, "What would you like to eat."
   Without hesitation the 6 year old says, "I'll have squashed toad on toast, bitch!"
   Furiously mummy orc backhands him, sending him flying.
   "And what would you like?" she asks turning to the younger orc.
   "I don't know but it won't be the f***ing squashed toad on toast."


Thursday, 10 December 2015

Adult Santa Joke

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.

(Ooops, sorry for the non-PC all you Santas.)

Drunk Orc

An Orc is stopped for speeding and the cop asks him to get out of the car.

"You're staggering," the cop warned.

To which the Orc replied, "You are quite handsome yourself."

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Orc and Chicken Joke

Two orcs chatting while one does the crossword. (You didn't know that orcs did crosswords, did you)

"I'm stuck on 3 down, he says. Flightless bird from Iceland (6,7)."

The other Orc thinks about it, "You're so thick, that's an easy one. Frozen Chicken."

(Author's note - this may be a UK only joke if you don't have an Iceland)

Monday, 21 September 2015

Hill Troll and Elf Joke

Two trolls walk into a tavern and order grog.
Suddenly, an elf lady at a nearby table, who is eating cheese, begins to cough. (probably shock at seeing the trolls)
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the trolls looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' (this is how hill trolls speak, of course)
The elf shakes her head no.

The troll asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The elf begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The troll walks over to the elf and much to her shock, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The elf is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the troll walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Orc Joke

Have you heard about the Orc comedian, covered in oil?

He was slick but crude.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Another Death Joke

Two chaps show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second person tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first chap.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, In my remorse I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

Hilarious - Borderline Fantasy so Forgive me.

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

Courtesy of

Friday, 31 October 2014

Santa and Dragon Joke

Me: I want a dragon for Christmas, please

Santa: Don't be ridiculous. Dragons are a myth.

Me: OK -- I'll have a really nice girlfriend for Christmas, please. One that I can really understand.

Santa: OK, what colour dragon do you want?

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Very Short Fantasy Joke

Last night I dreamed I was writing a book called The Lord Of The Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Troll and Orc Jokes

Teacher: "Where would you find a troll?" 
Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!" 

What did the dragon say when the man grabbed him by the tail? This is the end of me! 

What do you call a troll with a potato in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you! 

What do you call an orc that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette! 

What did the grape say when the troll stood on it? Not a thing, it just let out a little wine! 

Why don't Orcs like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs!