Thursday, 17 November 2016

Win a Book -- Fantasy Jokes Competition

Post a fantasy joke, via the comment box in this blog, and I'll give away a copy of Legacy of the Eldric to the best joke (in my opinion) received before the 17th December 2016.

Jokes are easy to make up. Simply replace Troll for Elephant in an Elephant joke, as an example.

This is just for fun and I think some of the jokes already published have hopefully raised a smile.

So get cracking and you could win a copy of Legacy of the Eldric in time for Christmas. Postage allowing of course.

Sample chapters and reviews for Legacy of the Eldric and my other books are available on my website

Saturday, 27 August 2016

A troll bumps into a cross-eyed orc and the orc shouts, "look where you are going."

The troll shouts angrily back, "And you need to go where you are looking."


Thursday, 17 December 2015

Orc Children Growing Up: Little Darlings

Two orc children ages 4 and 6 decide it's time to grow up.
   "We should start swearing now, we are old enough," says the 6 year old.
   "OK, bruv," replies the smaller orc.
   At breakfast mummy orc says, "What would you like to eat."
   Without hesitation the 6 year old says, "I'll have squashed toad on toast, bitch!"
   Furiously mummy orc backhands him, sending him flying.
   "And what would you like?" she asks turning to the younger orc.
   "I don't know but it won't be the f***ing squashed toad on toast."


Thursday, 10 December 2015

Adult Santa Joke

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.

(Ooops, sorry for the non-PC all you Santas.)

Drunk Orc

An Orc is stopped for speeding and the cop asks him to get out of the car.

"You're staggering," the cop warned.

To which the Orc replied, "You are quite handsome yourself."

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Orc and Chicken Joke

Two orcs chatting while one does the crossword. (You didn't know that orcs did crosswords, did you)

"I'm stuck on 3 down, he says. Flightless bird from Iceland (6,7)."

The other Orc thinks about it, "You're so thick, that's an easy one. Frozen Chicken."

(Author's note - this may be a UK only joke if you don't have an Iceland)

Monday, 21 September 2015

Hill Troll and Elf Joke

Two trolls walk into a tavern and order grog.
Suddenly, an elf lady at a nearby table, who is eating cheese, begins to cough. (probably shock at seeing the trolls)
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the trolls looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' (this is how hill trolls speak, of course)
The elf shakes her head no.

The troll asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The elf begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The troll walks over to the elf and much to her shock, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The elf is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the troll walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Orc Joke

Have you heard about the Orc comedian, covered in oil?

He was slick but crude.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Another Death Joke

Two chaps show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second person tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first chap.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, In my remorse I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

Hilarious - Borderline Fantasy so Forgive me.

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

Courtesy of

Friday, 31 October 2014

Santa and Dragon Joke

Me: I want a dragon for Christmas, please

Santa: Don't be ridiculous. Dragons are a myth.

Me: OK -- I'll have a really nice girlfriend for Christmas, please. One that I can really understand.

Santa: OK, what colour dragon do you want?

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Very Short Fantasy Joke

Last night I dreamed I was writing a book called The Lord Of The Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Troll and Orc Jokes

Teacher: "Where would you find a troll?" 
Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!" 

What did the dragon say when the man grabbed him by the tail? This is the end of me! 

What do you call a troll with a potato in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you! 

What do you call an orc that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette! 

What did the grape say when the troll stood on it? Not a thing, it just let out a little wine! 

Why don't Orcs like playing cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs! 

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Fantasy Jokes - Dwarves

What has an IQ of 12
13 dwarves.
Don't you mean 12 dwarves?
No - there's bound to be one thick one.

Two dwarves in a field and one says -"Look at that dead crow!"
The other dwarf looks in the sky and says "Where?"

What do you call a field full of dwarves - a thicket.

Any others? Help me out please.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Fairy Joke

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such a wonderful married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for : the Queen Mary luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. "
The wife, and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -the husband became 92 years old.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Genie Joke

A guy was walking on a beach when he found an old lamp. He rubbed it to get a better look at what he'd found. Pow, out pops a genie.

In typical fashion, if you've ever met a genie, the genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." 

The man was shocked that the genie knew he had an ex-wife, but then again he was a genie. 

After thinking for a while he said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and of course his ex-wife got two mansions. 

The man said "I would like a million pounds." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million pounds. 

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Monday, 11 February 2013

Fairy Godmother Joke

An elderly lady, rocking on her front porch wistfully reflected on her long life. Abruptly her Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared before her and said she'd grant her 3 wishes and sorry for the delay.
"Well," said the woman, "If you really are my Fairy godmother make me rich beyond my wildest dreams."
She was amazed as her house turned to solid gold with emerald decorated windows.
"Wow! Can you turn me into a beautiful, young princess," she said.
Without a word the Fairy Godmother waved her wand and the elderly lady was transformed into a beautiful young princess.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. "Oh," the woman said, "please turn my cat into a handsome young prince?"
With a swish of her wand the cat was transformed and standing before her was a handsome young man with long flowing hair.
She looked up at him, love reflected in her young eyes. Smiling, he bent down and said, "I'll bet now you're sorry you had me neutered!"

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Not fantasy jokes this time!

Although not fantasy jokes, I liked some of these. They are from teh Edinburgh fringe

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to
back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than
your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't
know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only
because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not
rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for
pessimism. she wouldn't fancy her chances."