Friday, 10 February 2017

Amorous Orc Joke

A young orc was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small ivy covered house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient orc with a long, grey beard and yellow fangs. "I'm lost," said the young orc. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the older orc said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst tortures known to orcs."
"OK," said the young orc, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure (for an orc).
She was obviously attracted to the young orc since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the older orc's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone, but during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old orc wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old orc can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Frayed Knot :)

An orc talking to a troll. "I ate two pieces of string and when I pooped they were tied together."

"Wow, impressive," says the troll

"Yeah," says the orc, "I shit you knot."

(Come on - that's good one :) )

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Troll's Wife Hit by Bus

The police showed the troll a photograph and said, "Is this your wife?"

The troll frowns and replies, "Yes".

The policeman shuffles awkwardly, "I am the bearer of bad news and it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know says the troll. But she can cook and she's good with the kids."

Friday, 20 January 2017

Annoying Orc

A drunk orc walks into a bar. "Do you have any ketchup?" he asks the barman.

"It's a bar, we serve drinks," the landlord replies.

"Thanks," says the orc. He leaves and returns an hour later.

"Do you have any ketchup?" the orc asks.

"Look, I told you already. This is a bar and we serve drinks," says the landlord getting annoyed.

"Thanks," says the orc and leaves.

You guessed it, the orc is soon back. "Got any ketchup?" he asks.

"It's a bar!" says the landlord. "If you ask for ketchup again I'm going to nail you to the wall."

The orc thinks a moment. "Do you have any nails?"

The landlord shakes his head, "No!"

"Good. Do you have any ketchup?"

Thursday, 12 January 2017

An Orc Taxi Driver

An orc taxi driver is driving a troll to work when the troll taps him on the shoulder.
"What the...!" shouts the orc and swerves violently narrowly missing a dragon crossing the road.
He slams on the brakes and screeches to a halt.

The troll is thrown forward and nearly headbutts the windscreen. "What are you doing?" the troll asks. "I was only going to ask you to stop soon."

The orc looks guilty. "I have only been driving taxis for a day."

"OK," says the troll. "What was your previous job?"

"I drove a hearse," says the orc sheepishly.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

An Orc Scientist

An Orc scientist (yes there are such creatures) was experimenting on a frog.

He told the frog to jump and it jumped 4 feet. Being a clever Orc he realised that because the frog had four feet then it had jumped four feet.

He decided to cut off a leg (he kept it for soup for later of course) and told the frog to jump and this time it jumped three feet. "Clever," thought the Orc, realising that he was on to something.

He cut off another leg and the frog jumped two feet and then he cut off the final leg. He was thinking of winning a No-bull prize with his outstanding work.

"Jump," he commanded, but nothing happened. "Jump!" he insisted but again nothing happened.

He frowned as he wrote in his log-book, "Cutting all the legs off a frog makes it deaf."

Orc Rules on Choosig a Wife

There are 5 Orc rules for finding the perfect wife:

1. Find a wife who can cook
2. Find a wife who can satisfy you on the bedroom
3. Find a wife who can clean
4. Find a wife who can sing you to sleep
5. Final rule -- never let the 4 wives meet. This rule is very important

Thursday, 8 December 2016

An Elf, a Dwarf and a Human Go in to a Bar...

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern,

The Human grins and says "Damn, but I had fun last night. My wife and I made love seven times... When we woke up this morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite

The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds "Well, I only made love
four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new experience.. When we awoke this morning, she said she would surprise me again tonight.."

The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently.
After an uncomfortable amount of time being stared at by the other two, he finally says "Fine, fine.. My wife made love only once last night."

The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks "Pray, tell us what she said to you this morning.."

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says "She said.. Please, Honey, don't stop now..."

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Orc Christmas Presents

An orc mother watched her two excited children opening their presents.

Both looked crestfallen. One had a package of broken glass and the other a bag of plasters.

"Now share nicely children," she beamed.

Santa Joke

Sitting on Santa's knee he asked me what I wanted this year.

"I really like Game of Thrones so what I want this year is a dragon." 

Santa looked me in the eye and said, "Dragons are a myth. Don't be ridiculous."

I thought for a moment then said, "OK. Can I have a girlfriend that I can really understand and relate to, please."

Santa frowned, "What colour dragon do you want?"