Saturday, 28 October 2017

Orc, Troll and an Elf Joke.

Three guys (an Orc, a Troll and an Elf) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home. (These might have even been the same creatures from the desert island in an earlier joke)
Something (probably a small dragon) punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.
The Orc threw away rice which was for his lunch and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Troll threw away beans which he was keeping to make a beanstalk and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Elf threw over the Orc.
The Troll was like, "What did you do that for?"
The Elf said, "We have a lot of these in my country."

A Blind Orc Joke

A blind orc enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind orc yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” 

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. 

In a husky, deep voice, the person next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is a troll and blonde, the bouncer is a troll and blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde troll. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is a blonde dragon. The woman to your right is a blonde goblin, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” 

The blind orc says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

An Orc, Troll and an Elf on a Desert Island. A Recipe for Disaster.

A female elf, a troll and an orc are stuck on an island. Normally mortal enemies these three have actually become friends, having been shipwrecked now for many years.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." 

The elf says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF and off she goes! The elf gets her wish and she is returned to her family. 

Then, the troll says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my wife, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The troll gets his wish and he is returned to his family. 

The orc starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My friend, what's the matter?" 

The orc whimpers, "I am lonely. I wish my friends were still here." And that is why elves, trolls and orcs have remained enemies ever since.

Monday, 9 October 2017

Elf and Santa Joke

One particular Christmas Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but for some reason he was feeling very stressful.

Several elves were off sick, and their replacements did not produce the toys as fast so Santa was worried that he would not have enough toys that year. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. 

More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and some toys broke. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the naughty elves had hidden the bottle. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Monday, 25 September 2017

Another Orc Cannibal Joke

Two orc cannibals were tucking into a meal.

"There is something off about this Catholic missionary," said the first orc.

"I think I know why," said the second one. "I don't think he was a missionary and I don't think we should have boiled him."

"Why is that?" said the first orc.

"I think this one was a friar."

Monday, 18 September 2017

Pirate Joke

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender looks shocked. "Bluebeard! Not seen you for ages. You look like you've been in the wars. That wooden leg is new."
"I'm fine. Me leg blown off by a cannon ball, but I'm OK now."
"The hook. What happened to your hand?"
"Lost it in a sword fight, but I'm fine now."
"The eye patch. What happened to your eye?"
"I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye."
"And you lost your eye because of that? That's harsh."
"No. It was my first day with a hook."

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Two Cannibal Orcs

Father and son cannibal orcs are walking through a lush forest. Ahead, in a clearing, standing thigh deep in a clear, blue pond was an orc maiden, washing her hair.

"Wow, dad," said the son. "Let's take her home and eat her."

"No, son," says the more experienced father, eyeing the young maiden's luscious curves. "Let's take her home and eat your mother."

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Another Orc Joke

Two orc walking down a lane when they are overtaken by a horse drawn wagon, filled with rolled turf.

"Wow," says one orc. "That guy must be super rich."

"Why is that," says the other orc.

"Sending his lawn away to be cut."

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Modern Day Orc, Goblin and Troll Joke

An orc, a goblin and a troll are sitting in a sauna when there is a bleeping sound and the orc says, "That's for me."

He taps his palm and then talks into it, "Yes, mum. I'll be home for dinner." The other two look at him quizzically and he smiles and states -- "New technology. My phone is built into my hand."

There is a buzzing and the goblin says, "That's for me." He presses his earlobe and says, "Yes, darling. Two pints of milk and some eggs. Right you are."

He smiles at the other two and says, "My phone is in my earlobe. Very handy."

The troll feels distinctly left out and then has an idea and goes to the toilet. He comes back with toilet paper hanging out of his rear end. When he returns the orc says, "What's that hanging out of your bum?"

The troll looks behind him, "Goodness, it's a fax from my dad!"

Saturday, 11 March 2017

What Trouble Can an Orc, Goblin and Troll Get up to?

An orc, a goblin and a troll are each sentenced to a year in prison and each is given a wish. The goblin asks for a year's supply of whisky and he is granted his request.

The orc asks for a year's supply of  beer and again is granted his wish.

The troll demands a year's supply of the strongest cigarettes.

One year later and the three are released. The goblin staggers out of his cell and cries, "I am free," before keeling over, dead from alcohol poisoning.

The orc, races from his cell, still fully inebriated and staggers into a wall. Knocking himself unconscious and promptly dies from his wounds.

Tentatively they open the Troll's door, but it walks calmly out with no signs of an adverse affects. The onlookers gasp, given how many cartons of cigarettes they had supplied.

"I say..," says the troll in a very upper class accent, "...anyone got any matches?"