Monday, 9 October 2017

Elf and Santa Joke

One particular Christmas Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but for some reason he was feeling very stressful.

Several elves were off sick, and their replacements did not produce the toys as fast so Santa was worried that he would not have enough toys that year. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. 

More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and some toys broke. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the naughty elves had hidden the bottle. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Monday, 25 September 2017

Another Orc Cannibal Joke

Two orc cannibals were tucking into a meal.

"There is something off about this Catholic missionary," said the first orc.

"I think I know why," said the second one. "I don't think he was a missionary and I don't think we should have boiled him."

"Why is that?" said the first orc.

"I think this one was a friar."

Monday, 18 September 2017

Pirate Joke

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender looks shocked. "Bluebeard! Not seen you for ages. You look like you've been in the wars. That wooden leg is new."
"I'm fine. Me leg blown off by a cannon ball, but I'm OK now."
"The hook. What happened to your hand?"
"Lost it in a sword fight, but I'm fine now."
"The eye patch. What happened to your eye?"
"I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye."
"And you lost your eye because of that? That's harsh."
"No. It was my first day with a hook."

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Two Cannibal Orcs

Father and son cannibal orcs are walking through a lush forest. Ahead, in a clearing, standing thigh deep in a clear, blue pond was an orc maiden, washing her hair.

"Wow, dad," said the son. "Let's take her home and eat her."

"No, son," says the more experienced father, eyeing the young maiden's luscious curves. "Let's take her home and eat your mother."

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Another Orc Joke

Two orc walking down a lane when they are overtaken by a horse drawn wagon, filled with rolled turf.

"Wow," says one orc. "That guy must be super rich."

"Why is that," says the other orc.

"Sending his lawn away to be cut."

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Modern Day Orc, Goblin and Troll Joke

An orc, a goblin and a troll are sitting in a sauna when there is a bleeping sound and the orc says, "That's for me."

He taps his palm and then talks into it, "Yes, mum. I'll be home for dinner." The other two look at him quizzically and he smiles and states -- "New technology. My phone is built into my hand."

There is a buzzing and the goblin says, "That's for me." He presses his earlobe and says, "Yes, darling. Two pints of milk and some eggs. Right you are."

He smiles at the other two and says, "My phone is in my earlobe. Very handy."

The troll feels distinctly left out and then has an idea and goes to the toilet. He comes back with toilet paper hanging out of his rear end. When he returns the orc says, "What's that hanging out of your bum?"

The troll looks behind him, "Goodness, it's a fax from my dad!"

Saturday, 11 March 2017

What Trouble Can an Orc, Goblin and Troll Get up to?

An orc, a goblin and a troll are each sentenced to a year in prison and each is given a wish. The goblin asks for a year's supply of whisky and he is granted his request.

The orc asks for a year's supply of  beer and again is granted his wish.

The troll demands a year's supply of the strongest cigarettes.

One year later and the three are released. The goblin staggers out of his cell and cries, "I am free," before keeling over, dead from alcohol poisoning.

The orc, races from his cell, still fully inebriated and staggers into a wall. Knocking himself unconscious and promptly dies from his wounds.

Tentatively they open the Troll's door, but it walks calmly out with no signs of an adverse affects. The onlookers gasp, given how many cartons of cigarettes they had supplied.

"I say..," says the troll in a very upper class accent, "...anyone got any matches?"

Friday, 24 February 2017

Goblin Jokes: A PC Stance!

I was recently asked why goblin jokes haven't featured for a while. That's due to Political Correctness and I have had a number of complaints (two to be precise). Goblins, apparently, are shy, retiring creatures and it would cause offence to feature on this site, so for PC reasons I have not featured them for some time.

I hope I have not offended anyone by this stance

If you wish to alter this - send me your goblin jokes and providing that  they are not too offensive I may post them. Bear in mind some of the elves that visit this site are quite young.

David :)

An elf, a troll and an orc, walking along a beach...

An orc, an elf and a troll are walking along a beach when one of them kicks a bottle. Picking it up the elf rubs it and out pops a genie. "Oh Masters, you have set me free. I will grant each of you a wish."

The troll goes first and in an American accent says, "Trolls are misunderstood. I would like to make recompense to all the peoples of the land and so wish that my country's grain output (yes trolls do farm) was tripled so that we can feed the other races."

"A noble request," says the genie. "Your wish is granted."

"My turn," slavers the orc in a French accent. "My people are also misunderstood. We are not warlike," he grins at the other two, "I would therefore like a wall around our lands so that no one can ever invade again."

"A noble wish," says the genie. "Your wish is granted."

"My turn," states the elf in a decidedly upper-class English accent. "First, tell me more about his wall."

"Certainly," says the genie, proud to reveal his skills."It is twenty feet thick and made from granite. There isn't a single ingress and I have made it an impressive forty feet high. Nothing can get in or out."

"Great," says the elf. "Fill it with water."

Friday, 10 February 2017

Amorous Orc Joke

A young orc was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small ivy covered house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient orc with a long, grey beard and yellow fangs. "I'm lost," said the young orc. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the older orc said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst tortures known to orcs."
"OK," said the young orc, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure (for an orc).
She was obviously attracted to the young orc since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the older orc's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone, but during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old orc wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old orc can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Frayed Knot :)

An orc talking to a troll. "I ate two pieces of string and when I pooped they were tied together."

"Wow, impressive," says the troll

"Yeah," says the orc, "I shit you knot."

(Come on - that's good one :) )

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Troll's Wife Hit by Bus

The police showed the troll a photograph and said, "Is this your wife?"

The troll frowns and replies, "Yes".

The policeman shuffles awkwardly, "I am the bearer of bad news and it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know says the troll. But she can cook and she's good with the kids."

Friday, 20 January 2017

Annoying Orc

A drunk orc walks into a bar. "Do you have any ketchup?" he asks the barman.

"It's a bar, we serve drinks," the landlord replies.

"Thanks," says the orc. He leaves and returns an hour later.

"Do you have any ketchup?" the orc asks.

"Look, I told you already. This is a bar and we serve drinks," says the landlord getting annoyed.

"Thanks," says the orc and leaves.

You guessed it, the orc is soon back. "Got any ketchup?" he asks.

"It's a bar!" says the landlord. "If you ask for ketchup again I'm going to nail you to the wall."

The orc thinks a moment. "Do you have any nails?"

The landlord shakes his head, "No!"

"Good. Do you have any ketchup?"

Thursday, 12 January 2017

An Orc Taxi Driver

An orc taxi driver is driving a troll to work when the troll taps him on the shoulder.
"What the...!" shouts the orc and swerves violently narrowly missing a dragon crossing the road.
He slams on the brakes and screeches to a halt.

The troll is thrown forward and nearly headbutts the windscreen. "What are you doing?" the troll asks. "I was only going to ask you to stop soon."

The orc looks guilty. "I have only been driving taxis for a day."

"OK," says the troll. "What was your previous job?"

"I drove a hearse," says the orc sheepishly.